Can we talk about grief for a second? 9 Ways to Become Besties with Your Grief
If you're anything like me, the process of grief in itself, let alone loss is such a scary and daunting experience. But here's 9 Ways to Make Grief Your Friend during a challenging loss in your life.
Today we're exploring a hard but extraordinary part of what makes us beautiful: grief. Some people affiliate grief with when we lose someone to death, but grief surfaces in so many times that involve transition:
ending a relationship with a romantic partner (even when you were the one who initiated the break up)
the end of a friendship
moving to a new place geographically (even moving down the street to a new home or apartment)
quitting a job
Moving to any new kind of opportunity in our life in general involves letting go of some part of our lives or our community we love or have grown familiar with. Grief is one of the most wild and untamed of human experiences. One moment your fine, composed, have it together and then you hear the first 4 seconds of a song and you lose it. Some people fear the experience of grief, as in, I don't know how long I can experience this roller coaster of earth shattering feelings and sadness or anger, but here's 9 powerful ways to be strengthened while grieving:
Grief is your friend. Grief is this powerful experience that creates an opportunity for you to release and heal. It's a powerful reminder of how special it is that you loved. It comes up after a break up or a loss because whatever you're losing MEANT something. It mattered. Grief is a reminder that you loved big and you loved deep and you loved well, otherwise if you didn't, you wouldn't feel what you're feeling right now. So as much as your heart is hurting and broken and aches, take refuge my sweet friend in cherishing the opportunity you had to love when you were able to love. Journal around how you loved, how you showed up, and know that it's THAT very love you carry that's going to strengthen you, fortify that dear heart of yours and continue on a journey filled with the biggest and most special love you've yet to experience.
The only way out is through. Whether it's showing up as anger or intense sadness or heartbreak or fear; feel it. Let it be felt. While coaching a loved one through how to process through a break up I splurted out: "If You Repress, You Digress..." And it stuck with me. A tecaher taught me "The Only Way Out...Is Through." And never is this statement more true or relevant when it comes to grieving. You have to feel it, let your emotions erupt - build the saddest playlist of songs you can possibly think of and scream into your pillow and wail and get snot all over yourself and make those deep guttural noises like a dying wildebeest. Journal out your anger, journal out how sad you are that the relationship or the person is no longer with you. Journal around why you're going to miss them. Journal around why you're so incredibly sad and or angry or afraid. Speak it out loud. Say lines of a song out loud and feel it. Feel the sadness, experience it fully, feel your sadness or feel your anger or your despair. Flail yourself on your bed like a 3 year old and have a full blown temper tantrum. The "Through" looks like all of the above, because on the other side of that release is peace, it's part of the healing process. #getdownwithyourgrief
Grief doesn't give two $#!Ts about your Day Planner. Grief is a nonlinear beast. It's not timely, it doesn't respect structure or to-do lists or any of those adorable constructs we build to build that false sense of control in our lives. And truly - what a wonderful gift to shake us out of our agendas, our routines, our regimented lives to rip our hearts out of our chest to REMIND US and give us the opportunity to look further, to FEEL deeper than our surface level daily hustle and bustle, and to become reacquainted with those special heart matters we stifle and stuff underneath our psyche's bed frame and connect with what really matters in our heart's desires. So give yourself some grace, if you can set up some space in your schedule in the weeks after a break up or a loss to slow down, rest, whatever that looks like - this will provide bumpers and crash pads for those emotions to be released and processed.
Never underestimate the power of a good nap. Many of us don't recognize the energetic toll grief and sadness takes on our physical bodies, but as if you weren't aware: it's exhausting. Resting, napping, being still and getting curled up in a bed with pillows and blankets is a wonderful way to release and soothe your emotional and physical body. And on the flip side of that --
Move your body. Every day. This is HUGE! Trauma, grief, sadness, fear -- these things internalize throughout the body (after one break up my throat was so incredibly sore and weak and an energy-savvy friend commented, "Of course-- you've had to muster up the courage to speak your truth and speak your sadness, it's no wonder your throat chakra / energy center is totally exerted.") and it is so incredibly important to exercise. I personally recommend a blend of high energy meets soulful meets gentle yoga. A range of up and up to get those endorphins bumping to take you out of your head and into your body, but then some deep stretching to guide you through feelings and releasing, and using some powerful breath-work to release those feelings.
Grief is temporary. This one is hard, because in the thick of it grief feels like it will last forever. But like everything in this life, it's temporary. It's fleeting. So embrace it. In so many cultures taking time to grieve is built in, and it's respected by society, but especially in American culture the message is "Take the day off, cry about it, but you better show up to work on Monday and get back to work." so I know you can't always pause your universe and just feel, but back to #3 - if possible, slow down the activity where you can and nurture yourself. Whether that looks like a long walk or a slow phone call or cooking a meal with your own two hands, nurture and nourish your gentle heart during this tough time.
Summon your champions. You know who I'm talking about -- summon your cheerleaders, your guardians, your warriors - those friends around you who know how to show up with you. Connect with them and be vulnerable and share your story, share your feelings and give them the opportunity to show up for you. It's absolutely liberating and so empowering to know that you have loved ones around you that are standing by to support you. For me that means so much at the beginning and the very end of the day; when I'm laying down in bed and those feelings of hopelessness or sadness settle or surface, to know that I'm deeply loved and cared for really helps carry me. So summon your champions.
Use Grief as a Compass. In times of loss or break ups - with your heart ripped open and gushing with feeling, take these times to write down your priorities in what you want in a relationship, or in your life - how you go about your life, it's one of those beautiful come-to-Jesus times where you can connect really clearly with what you want moving forward. Use this as a turning point for you to learn and grow from. If it's being more present with your friends or family, or taking time in the outdoors, or slowing down and choosing to laugh more, find those important heart messages and act on them. And speaking of those come-to-Jesus moments...
Connect with Spirit. Come to Jesus. Or Shiva. Or the Creator of the Universe. The Divine. Whatever Creator and Spirit looks like to you, connect with Spirit. If that looks like praying or listening to some guided meditations (Insight Timer is my favorite because you can search Grief, Anger, Sadness, etc. and it'll bring up specific tailored meditations, which help me so much - Sarah Blondin is one of my all time favorite teachers) or listening to music that gives you peace, confide in God (your higher self/higher power/something bigger than you.) Because truly, it's coming back and connecting with that love that strengthens us for all the experiences this life experience throws at us. So confide in your higher power.
So that's what I can offer you today, 9 Ways to Become Besties with Your Grief